Levels of Friendship

So I was talking to Rock Girl the other day about what I see as friendship, and I hit upon an explanation that perfectly explains what this friend phenomenon means to me and why I see it the way I do. I figured this would be worth sharing so I'd remember it, and so maybe someone out there might find this insightful. I've done no real research here. I'm just typing.

First, it is important to understand what I would call "life segmentation." Our lives are split into different, very distinct facets where we have to know or do certain specific actions in order to maintain a level of peace within that segment. The most common segments in one's life include home, work, school, church, hobby, and family. The difference between home and family involves the difference between immediate and extended family and the social aspects of the latter. In each of these parts, we know people, and I'm sure you'll notice in thinking of your own life that people in these individual segments don't often cross. This is an important aspect of my view on friendship.

Now, my list of levels

1. Someone you know - Whether we know it or not, we know a lot of people. If this were written in Spanish, I would have used two different words for "know" because the first involves knowledge while the second involves personal information. Thing is, we can all probably think of a long list of names of people we know who inhabit our various segments. I can name people in a variety of professional capacities in my office, I know lots of people's names at church, and I can list random people who I know by name and function who fit into various parts of my life, but I know little more about them beyond their name and function. Those people are not friends or acquaintances. They are just people who exist that you know who rank only slightly above the unknown because at some point you learned their name. This is not a diss to any of them, mind you. I just can't tell you that the guy who works in the mail room (whose name I do know) is a friend of mine on any level any more than the various spouses of the people on the worship team. They are just people I can identify by name.

2. Professional Acquaintance - This is a person who occupies a single segment of your life that you speak to on a regular basis, but rarely, if ever, about anything other than topics that fit within the boundaries of that segment. If they're at work, the conversation is always about work stuff. If they're at church, the conversation revolves around church stuff. These are people about whom you might know a little more such as spouse or children, but you never sit down for a discussion on a personal level. You know what their function is within your segment, and you generally stick to that. When referred to at all, these people often are described as their function above all else.Your boss (or the person in charge of your segments) is the most common person in this category.

3. Acquaintance - This is a person who occupies a single segment of your life that you can speak to about something involving other segments. These people are generally referred to as friends, but when you talk about them to people in other segments, they are almost referred to as "the friend at work" or "someone from whatever." Their friendship is grounded within that segment, and while it might survive outside of that segment, that step has not been taken. If you pay close attention to how this list runs, you might even catch that it sounds like the steps of a relationship. That's because before you can (should) get romantically involved with someone, they have to become a friend first. The "friend zone" is dreaded among the dating, but the fact is that people who are looking for a long term relationship will pass through these steps, sometimes quickly. However, when dealing with people who are friends, the vast majority of friendships that are referred to as friendships live right here.

4. Friend - A friend is a person who comfortably occupies more than one segment of your life. At some point, after knowing of this person, then learning what they do, and then getting to know them on a personal level, the segment wall was broken and they crossed over into a different segment. Where this occurs is tricky because the person has to fit within more than one segment on a regular and easy basis. My most recent attempts to cross people over from acquaintance to friend have failed because they never hit any kind of regular or comfortable basis. These are going to be people on whom you can call when you need someone, and they're generally going to get to know people who are within the other segments of your life because they can fit by your side regardless of which segment you happen to be in at the time. Getting an acquaintance to become a friend requires effort on the part of both sides, and while basic friends tend to travel along this path in a very leisurely manner, dating tries to cram all of these steps together and rush them as quickly as possible, which is why dating seems so difficult to some. The people in this area are very special because you won't have very many of them, and as such, people will sometimes refer to them as "best friends," but to me, that term is reserved for one more level. The major difference between this level and the next is that this bond is still breakable. Someone here can be pulled in other directions, whether by personal interest, another person, or life itself, and end up leaving the friendship, albeit with some difficulty sometimes.

5. Best Friend - The rarest of them all. Sometimes, this person is actually a family member, but if they are not biologically related, they might as well be family. This is a person you would trust with your life because you know they trust you with theirs. You unconditionally love this person. Unconditional love is not the romantic kind of love, though you should definitely be at the best friend level with someone before you marry them. Unconditional love means that no matter what happens, good or bad, the relationship you have with this person cannot be broken except through something very, very significant or traumatic. Building someone from level 1 to here takes significant time and effort, and so very few friendships ever reach this level. When they do, though, it is something special.

0. Family - I have to place family members off to the side because family is usually forever whether anyone likes it or not. The bond we share with the ones to whom we're related is different from the levels of friendship though they can occupy places in those levels. Our family relationships can sometimes be firmly placed in certain levels of my list, but more often than not, they circumvent the level convention because we usually have very little choice as to their presence. Hence, you have that unconditional love element often running through the family even though they might only feel like a professional acquaintance. Weird thing, relationships.

Ok, so that being said, I found that upon examining my life, I have no friends. I have quite a few acquaintances, but they all live firmly within their boundaries. Facebook doesn't count as breaking the segments. I have people at work, and they stay there. I know the worship team, and they stay there. I know other people at church, and they stay there.

There is exactly one person who lives on the border of acquaintance and friend in my life, but attempts to cross that line have failed. He invited me into his hobby segment, and while I enjoyed it, I never belonged there, so the comfort bit failed. I have him as an xbox friend, but we've only ever played one game together. I have borrowed games on occasion, but that doesn't really count as crossing the lines. He did buy my books, and I have him in some level of confidence on their future, but all those conversations took place within the office. It is within that segment that the relationship with him lives, so he remains merely an acquaintance.

If you disagree with my list, I don't care. This is how I see the world. It works for me. Someone might try to reclassify everything to show that maybe I do have friends, but reclassification is an exercise in futility. It won't change reality. I live in the real world. This list is simply a way of organizing it.

Loneliness

The best part about having an anonymous blog is you write what you want and no one knows who you are. The worst part about having an anonymous blog is no one know who you are. I am surrounded by people who love and respect me and yet, I am probably one of the loneliest people there are.

My life is of a sort of two fold construction. One the one hand, I have a very strong and loving marriage with children who are not hell raisers. They do what they're told (most of the time) and respect their place in the family structure. I have a wife who loves me and will do anything for me, and I, in turn, love her very much. We live in a house that we own, and while we certainly aren't swimming in everything we could possibly want, we have everything we need and by any sane standard, we want for nothing. I have a job that I literally fell into, and despite being woefully underqualified for it on paper, I have uniquely qualified for it due to the skills I learned throughout my life. My co-workers have a high level of respect for me, and I'm the "go-to guy" for a wide range of strange problems that no one else can seem to sort out. It's a life that I know some people out there only dream about, and I have it.

The thing is there's a whole other side to my life that isn't going well. There's a side that isolates me from everyone else as much as it helps me to succeed. These two pieces sadden me and drive a wedge between me and the rest of the world and make me feel very alone so much of the time.

If you'll pardon the boast, I am ridiculously talented. I have to say it bluntly since it is that talent along with my intelligence that truly isolates me from everyone. No one really understands me. My wife tries, and she gets a lot of my idiosyncrasies. I have people I've befriended (I really don't have "friends") that try to follow what I can do, but none of them are close enough or know what to do with what I can do. A list of things I've actually done include:
-- Writing - which includes books, screenplays, stage plays, songs, and musicals, all of which have had at least one see the light of day in some level of production. I have four books at present. I've had one stage play and one musical produced. I've produced a host of songs and continue to write more. I have written, produced and directed a feature length film and a short on both of which I also wrote the music. I've also written the scores for a couple of short films.
-- Performing - I have no stage fright. I can play piano, drums, bass, guitar, trombone, saxophone, tuba, trumpet, and euphonium (and probably any other member of the brass family). I can also sing in the bass-baritone register and have a solid sense of relative pitch. I have performed a lot of the music I've written solo track by track either by playing all of the instruments or by supplementing bits of the performance with a sequencer where I personally programmed the background note by note.
-- Intelligence - I learn everything extremely quickly. I have a wealth of knowledge in my head over a ridiculous variety of topics just based on my experiences and readings over the years, and as such, I can be quite knowledgeable at times on stuff that people don't expect. It has served me well.

Now, all of this may seem quite impressive and should make me so successful in all my endeavors. No, it hasn't. I unintentionally intimidate people. I don't mean to, but because of my vast skillset, people have no idea what to do with me, or how I fit into their scheme of things. Most people are content with the phrase "I am a ______" and they relate to everyone who can fill in the blank the same way they do. Everyone can put several items in that blank, and in their different circles, they find others who fill it in the same way. I've tried to fill in that blank, but once I get general enough for it to fit me, no one relates. I don't fit in with any crowd at all, and I'm too introverted to fake it.

I've played in the worship band at church now for probably 5 years or so now. The last couple of years, I've been on stage every week and over that time, I've played the keyboard (not to be confused piano, which is totally different in the church context), drums, bass, and even vocals a couple times. Being on stage every week, everyone at the church has an idea of who I am. Everyone has seen me. No one talks to me. Not to any real extent anyway, and I have no friends there. Yeah, at church surrounded by a few hundred people who theoretically consider themselves family, I am alone. It's said that no man is an island, but it's more like no man is an island on purpose. My island has a bridge that allows people to come across if they wish to make the journey, but I clearly don't live on society's mainland.

I've also been at my job for 7 years now. As I mentioned before, I am considered to be quite important there, and in fact, I may even have some measure of job security which is rare in the business world today. In all that time, while I've become friendly to a couple of people, my desk remains mostly quiet from visitors. People only talk to me if they absolutely need preferring others if they can get the answers elsewhere. I am considered important by the people way high up on the food chain who don't have to directly deal with me, so that's something, but the people on my level tend to avoid me. Again, very lonely.

That was side one. The other side has to do with success or lack thereof. I have stated and I want to be clear that when it comes to family and job, I am actually quite successful, but note all that other stuff that I do that isolates me from everyone else. In that, I am a complete failure.

My dream is to be a writer. I suppose that should be clear given the whole blog thing. Heh, the blog thing. You know, I started this blog in the hopes of discovery just like everything else I put out there on the 'net. Discovery is hard when it's anonymous, and honestly, I know next to no one reads this. No one (except the Queen, who is my wife) has ever left a single comment on any thread. I was hoping some life anecdotes or pithy observations would lead to something like what has happened to others with some measure of success that way. Not so. I've created web sites dedicated to my work. No luck there. I have a YouTube channel which exhibits music. Nothing. I've self-published four books. No success.

You may be thinking that the problem is that what I've done just isn't any good. I would go with that if I had not heard from people who have nothing to gain by being encouraging that what I've done is actually good. I've heard my books are actually well written and some who have read them are actually fans. I have fans. But very, very few of them. I've been told my music is actually pretty good as well. If it were just mom being nice, that would be one thing, but the people who have given me this type of feedback didn't have to say anything. If it all sucked, they would not have. Hence, the people that can create success in these things do not see it. I've written loads of what are called query letters to those in power and I get nothing. They don't want to look at my stuff. I have the sort of talent base that when you hear about people like me, you think, wow, they're really going to go somewhere. When I see those people going somewhere, I have to admit that I get jealous.

here I sit though. Unknown and alone. I don't need fame and fortune. I really don't care about it. I just want to be successful. I want to live the dream, you know? That's it. I have a modest income now, and I would be completely cool with that modesty shifting to something I actually want to do every day. I don't need millions. What would I do with it anyway?

I just want to be happy.

False Humility

People are really funny about certain topics. One such topic that brings out some attitude has to deal with any notion that you might quite possibly think you're better in some way than someone else. Nothing does this quicker than some kind of intelligence comparison.

First, let's make sure we know what intelligence is. Intelligence is not a massive catalog of information. If you know a lot of stuff, that does not necessarily make you intelligent. That just means you know a lot of stuff. Intelligence is the ability to assimilate a lot of information to the point that you can reasonably use it. Yes, spy movies talk about "intelligence" as information, but the compilation and use of that information would be the actual intelligence.

In my day job, I use my intelligence to interpret scraps of information I gather from what people tell me, link those scraps to information I already possess, and extrapolate an answer. The more information you have, the better you can do this. Genius level intelligence can link almost random (and even abstract) pieces of information together to form answers very quickly, and really, it is the speed that defines it. Naturally, there's quite a bit more to it than that. Sherlock Holmes would be a genius. Not because he possesses a lot of random knowledge, but because he can categorize and access that knowledge when it is needed for an answer based on some possibly very abstract facts.

I suppose a could say that for the average person, 1 + 1 will always equal 2, and under no circumstance would it ever equal anything else. A genius level person could give you several ways for 1 + 1 to equal something else.

Anyway, I was just standing around at that meeting yesterday minding my own business (read: speaking to no one) when a conversation next to me indicated that someone was glad to have me around because I'm a genius. The overseer of the meeting said something that I don't recall, but I responded that, "Well, I am a genius." The person gave what is probably the most common response to anyone giving themselves this level of a compliment. She said, "At least he's humble about it." (Ok, or something to that effect - you get the idea.)

I indicated that I was just being honest about it, and that when you hear something enough, you tend to believe it. I was not being flippant or anything. In fact, I was kind of jovial over it where I spoke with a shrug to say that's just how it is much like I would if someone commented that I only had one eye to my name. The amusing part is that my rather forthright declaration over my own intelligence made this person uncomfortable. People don't like it.

Now, if I'd said I'm an author or I play the piano or any number of other skills I possess, there wouldn't have been any big deal over. In fact, if I said I'm really good or even completely the best piano player ever, no one would have batted an eye. But as soon as I note that I am really exceptionally clever, I might as well have added "and you're an idiot," because that's what people hear.

The Japanese culture downplays compliments, and it's definitely human nature to want attention, but turn it down as soon as its given. Or it's at least the social nature of the people I know to do this. They'll all want you to pay attention, but as soon as you do, they want you to look away. Point a camera at anyone and see what happens. People don't handle differences very well, so someone who embraces attention is odd to them, and when you laud something that someone else has, they don't hear you say that you're good at something, they hear you say that they suck at it.

I know when to be humble about stuff, and really, the response didn't bother me. During that same meeting, I got a second compliment of the same nature in front of the entire group. They wanted examples of something related to what we do, and I gave one. Someone in the front commented that "he's brilliant." I decided that this was the time for a minor deflection, so I told my table that "my momma thinks I'm special."

That was effective.

Meeting Nonsense

Long time, no type. Today, I have the wonderful "priviledge" of spending my entire day in a meeting. Not just any meeting, but basically, the company is having everyone go through the training that the new hires go through since the new hire training has significantly improved to the point that even tenured people wanted to know what was in it.

I managed to sit at a table of die hard workaholics who are the most boring group of people I've had the misfortune of sitting with. I'm basically stuck in the middle of contract chatter and meeting scheduling chats. It's no wonder people feel so tired since they can never seem to turn it off and relax.

But of course, these are the same people who obsess over conference calls and the need to "talk it out" instead of allowing one to process their rapid fire and type it out in a concise and storable manner.

And to make it worse, we are only half way through it. At the very least, I can honestly say it is meeting my expectations. I expected to learn a thing or two that I didn't know, but figured that none of it would have any value in my day to day job.

So far, so good.