The Distance Between the Kids and the Floor

You ever notice how kids tend to make a bit of a mess almost everywhere they go? This happens regardless of whether you have good kids or crazy kids. Mine act pretty good most of the time, and yet, in their wake, they tend to leave some disarray. This could be trash. This could be toys. In the case of my little ones, it extends to video games; that would be game discs without cases. The cases are usually in close proximity, but it's like they just can't see them.

This phenomena is caused by the unique make up of children's eyeballs. You'll notice that compared to adults, children's eyes are a bit disproportionate. It looks like the eyes are one part of the boy that never grows from youth to adulthood, as they slowly sink into the head until you die and they finally fall all the way in. So with kids, you would think that with those eyes sticking as far out of their head as they tend to, their eyesight would be incredible. Not so. Kids do have some incredible eyesight at some angles, but some severe blind spots at others. This strange series of vision and anti-vision spots has been thoroughly investigated by the labs at the University of Southern North Dakota at Hoople and results are inconclusive at best. At first glance, their eyes appear to be no different from adult eyes, and yet, each age group sees different things. When a child "looks right through you", they can spot the dessert in the refrigerator even when the door is closed. It borders on a form of x-ray vision. Whereas when an adult "looks right through you," they can see whether you're telling the truth or not.

And while they don't understand it, they have conclusively proven that adults do see the distance from their head to the floor far better than children do. If you doubt this result, consider that when the Queen walks into the princesses' room, she sees the mess and informs the children that it must be cleaned. The child will stand in the midst of chaos, cast a confused glance all around them and ask what they need to do. This leads the Queen to point out each item on the floor that must be put away, at which time, the child will put away only those items and believe the job is done.

You see, for reasons unknown to humanity, children are unable to see below their knees. Perhaps this helps with their fear of heights as they grow. Perhaps it helps them to concentrate on learning when the floor won't distract them. Perhaps it explains how children manage to put on unmatching socks by accident.

Whatever the reason, let us now look upon the children with understanding since the mess on the floor isn't their fault after all. They are simply incapable of seeing it until they are older. It is unknown at what age the floor becomes visible, but some believe that people can't see the ground at all until they have children and are forced to finally focus on what's down there. Only then, do they finally notice what a mess it is.

Who Told What?

It's funny how kids will unintentionally incriminate themselves in whatever they don't want you to know about, and then can't figure out how you managed to find out. Take the strange case of Sassy Pants versus Ladybug. Now, I don't know exactly what Sassy Pants did. That's not the point of the story. Just make something up. Here's the bit that gets me.

So, Ladybug walks into where the Queen is playing on the computer. She stands there sort of patiently just watching the Queen as she does whatever she does on the internet. Finally, she looks at Ladybug, and Ladybug says, "um..." Whenever she says "um," it's always a sort of uncomfortable higher pitched voice. Almost a whine, but without the accompanying excuse.

About this time, Sassy Pants comes storming into the room and unlike Ladybug, Miss Sassy is quite vocal and doesn't really know the word "um." She starts right off asking if Ladybug told. Well, of course she didn't. All she got out was "um," so now Sassy Pants (who often does her best to not get into trouble) has indicated to the Queen that Ladybug had something to tell. So she dutifully looks at Ladybug and asks her what Sassy Pants did.

Ladybug says "um...", which was rapidly followed by Sassy Pants (who has a most fortunate habit of telling the truth) spilling her guts over everything that happened, including what she did that Ladybug was umming about. Once the tale was told, Sassy Pants breaks down in tears, but it isn't because her secret is out and mommy knows what happened. Oh no.

She's upset because Ladybug told on her.

This ATM is (still) Out of Service

"Sorry this ATM is temporarily out of service. Please try again later."

Have you ever seen this message on an ATM (ATM machine for those of you that enjoy redundancy)? I have. In fact, the amusing thing is that I see this message on a particular machine that rests on the first floor of the building I work in. More amusing is that I see this message on it almost all the time. To be fair, I have seen it work, but it's almost as often that I see it out of order.

My only guess is that the "service professional" who works on this one feels much like I do lately. Like it would be better to spend all day doing something else than actually doing your job. Don't misunderstand me, though. I firmly believe in the importance of working. You don't work, you don't eat. however, I want to be doing something else. I could either repair the ATM that is broken, or just turn the handle that makes it work for another three minutes before having to come back. Or maybe they fix it, and the same idiot comes through and breaks it again. Who knows?

I only know I have similar problems. I fix something only to have someone come behind me and break it. Or someone else should know how to fix it if they had listened to me when I told them, but of course, they didn't listen, so it's still broken and now (because the own is angry), I have to actually fix it.

My personal preference is to sit in my corner here, have no one notice whether I'm coming or going, and just work on what I want to work on. I have movies to write and produce. I have books to draft and complete. I have dreams to dream of. I don't have time for this "real job" thin I'm saddled with. Why can't the ATM fix itself?

Fact of the matter is that the ATM won't fix itself, people won't remember what I tell them, and stuff will always break with or without intervention. Hence, here I am and here I am stuck until one of my hobbies becomes a paying vocation.

I do think the out of order message is redundant on the machine, though. It would be far more useful to advertise when it works. We already assume it's broken at this point.

I Dunno, What Do You Want To Do?

It's been a little while, but I want to keep this going. So I'm going to kick this back off with an incident that happens nearly every time the Queen's family gets together for a meal. Now, don't get me wrong. We all fall into the "I dunno, what do you wanna do?" routine occasionally, but not usually to this extent. We joke about it before someone decides, but it gets crazy with her crew.

The trouble starts because everyone seems to be so darn accommodating. This isn't a bad thing..except when it comes to dinner. You know, someone has to want to do it, and that someone is usually the oldest or the one "in charge." I would even defer to someone with familial authority. Given that I'm an in-law, I defer to them since it isn't really my place to take an authoritative position.

So there is an announcement: food is ready. There is a grand pause before the children are shuffled in to be served first. When it is the adults' turn, insert another grand pause. Ladies first is the expected norm, but neither her mother nor her grandmother want to go first. Her grandfather won't go, and her father normally doesn't eat at all. The Queen looks at me and says "go ahead, because her brother also won't go until someone else goes. Her sister-in-law usually goes first and I usually go next. It's a bit awkward every time, but I'm used to it by now. Eventually, after much hemming and hawing over who goes next, everyone gets set with food.

Of course, it's only fair to mention that her grandmother has a considerable amount of difficulty sitting down to eat. She feels the hostess responsibilities unceasingly throughout the meal and asks constantly if anyone needs anything else or any more to drink, etc. That's why she doesn't ever go first.

Now, granted that only happens in a buffet style setup. When we're all sitting already and food is passed around, the pause is briefer, but usually someone wants someone else to "start something." Fortunately, we have the children so they usually get whatever it is first which gets passed around the table from there.

Then comes dessert. This happens regardless of how the meal is setup. There is always something tasty waiting for the end of the meal, but getting someone to accept the Queen's grandmother's insistent requests of someone taking dessert is usually met with the Queen nudging me to take something, since no one else will accept her offer until someone else does first. Once I take something, it goes around.

Now, I'm not complaining at all. This setup is far preferable to the "ravenous wolves" scenario of the announcement of food followed by a stampede. I'm also sure everyone out there has their own tales that mirror some aspects of this. Once the awkwardness is past, it's all very amusing to me.

You want dessert?
I dunno, do you want dessert?
Honey, are you ready for dessert?
Mmph.
Can I get you anything else?
Um.
Anyone else ready for some dessert?
I'm waiting for my food to settle.
Someone has to eat some of this.