Loneliness

The best part about having an anonymous blog is you write what you want and no one knows who you are. The worst part about having an anonymous blog is no one know who you are. I am surrounded by people who love and respect me and yet, I am probably one of the loneliest people there are.

My life is of a sort of two fold construction. One the one hand, I have a very strong and loving marriage with children who are not hell raisers. They do what they're told (most of the time) and respect their place in the family structure. I have a wife who loves me and will do anything for me, and I, in turn, love her very much. We live in a house that we own, and while we certainly aren't swimming in everything we could possibly want, we have everything we need and by any sane standard, we want for nothing. I have a job that I literally fell into, and despite being woefully underqualified for it on paper, I have uniquely qualified for it due to the skills I learned throughout my life. My co-workers have a high level of respect for me, and I'm the "go-to guy" for a wide range of strange problems that no one else can seem to sort out. It's a life that I know some people out there only dream about, and I have it.

The thing is there's a whole other side to my life that isn't going well. There's a side that isolates me from everyone else as much as it helps me to succeed. These two pieces sadden me and drive a wedge between me and the rest of the world and make me feel very alone so much of the time.

If you'll pardon the boast, I am ridiculously talented. I have to say it bluntly since it is that talent along with my intelligence that truly isolates me from everyone. No one really understands me. My wife tries, and she gets a lot of my idiosyncrasies. I have people I've befriended (I really don't have "friends") that try to follow what I can do, but none of them are close enough or know what to do with what I can do. A list of things I've actually done include:
-- Writing - which includes books, screenplays, stage plays, songs, and musicals, all of which have had at least one see the light of day in some level of production. I have four books at present. I've had one stage play and one musical produced. I've produced a host of songs and continue to write more. I have written, produced and directed a feature length film and a short on both of which I also wrote the music. I've also written the scores for a couple of short films.
-- Performing - I have no stage fright. I can play piano, drums, bass, guitar, trombone, saxophone, tuba, trumpet, and euphonium (and probably any other member of the brass family). I can also sing in the bass-baritone register and have a solid sense of relative pitch. I have performed a lot of the music I've written solo track by track either by playing all of the instruments or by supplementing bits of the performance with a sequencer where I personally programmed the background note by note.
-- Intelligence - I learn everything extremely quickly. I have a wealth of knowledge in my head over a ridiculous variety of topics just based on my experiences and readings over the years, and as such, I can be quite knowledgeable at times on stuff that people don't expect. It has served me well.

Now, all of this may seem quite impressive and should make me so successful in all my endeavors. No, it hasn't. I unintentionally intimidate people. I don't mean to, but because of my vast skillset, people have no idea what to do with me, or how I fit into their scheme of things. Most people are content with the phrase "I am a ______" and they relate to everyone who can fill in the blank the same way they do. Everyone can put several items in that blank, and in their different circles, they find others who fill it in the same way. I've tried to fill in that blank, but once I get general enough for it to fit me, no one relates. I don't fit in with any crowd at all, and I'm too introverted to fake it.

I've played in the worship band at church now for probably 5 years or so now. The last couple of years, I've been on stage every week and over that time, I've played the keyboard (not to be confused piano, which is totally different in the church context), drums, bass, and even vocals a couple times. Being on stage every week, everyone at the church has an idea of who I am. Everyone has seen me. No one talks to me. Not to any real extent anyway, and I have no friends there. Yeah, at church surrounded by a few hundred people who theoretically consider themselves family, I am alone. It's said that no man is an island, but it's more like no man is an island on purpose. My island has a bridge that allows people to come across if they wish to make the journey, but I clearly don't live on society's mainland.

I've also been at my job for 7 years now. As I mentioned before, I am considered to be quite important there, and in fact, I may even have some measure of job security which is rare in the business world today. In all that time, while I've become friendly to a couple of people, my desk remains mostly quiet from visitors. People only talk to me if they absolutely need preferring others if they can get the answers elsewhere. I am considered important by the people way high up on the food chain who don't have to directly deal with me, so that's something, but the people on my level tend to avoid me. Again, very lonely.

That was side one. The other side has to do with success or lack thereof. I have stated and I want to be clear that when it comes to family and job, I am actually quite successful, but note all that other stuff that I do that isolates me from everyone else. In that, I am a complete failure.

My dream is to be a writer. I suppose that should be clear given the whole blog thing. Heh, the blog thing. You know, I started this blog in the hopes of discovery just like everything else I put out there on the 'net. Discovery is hard when it's anonymous, and honestly, I know next to no one reads this. No one (except the Queen, who is my wife) has ever left a single comment on any thread. I was hoping some life anecdotes or pithy observations would lead to something like what has happened to others with some measure of success that way. Not so. I've created web sites dedicated to my work. No luck there. I have a YouTube channel which exhibits music. Nothing. I've self-published four books. No success.

You may be thinking that the problem is that what I've done just isn't any good. I would go with that if I had not heard from people who have nothing to gain by being encouraging that what I've done is actually good. I've heard my books are actually well written and some who have read them are actually fans. I have fans. But very, very few of them. I've been told my music is actually pretty good as well. If it were just mom being nice, that would be one thing, but the people who have given me this type of feedback didn't have to say anything. If it all sucked, they would not have. Hence, the people that can create success in these things do not see it. I've written loads of what are called query letters to those in power and I get nothing. They don't want to look at my stuff. I have the sort of talent base that when you hear about people like me, you think, wow, they're really going to go somewhere. When I see those people going somewhere, I have to admit that I get jealous.

here I sit though. Unknown and alone. I don't need fame and fortune. I really don't care about it. I just want to be successful. I want to live the dream, you know? That's it. I have a modest income now, and I would be completely cool with that modesty shifting to something I actually want to do every day. I don't need millions. What would I do with it anyway?

I just want to be happy.