The Horrors of Customer Service

And now, to lighten things after the previous post where I found myself in the midst of my very own psychological thriller, I'm going to introduce a new category of post: Customer Service. You see, I've worked in call centers for six years before landing myself in a more techish position where I don't talk to the humorous ones as much. But during that tenure, I've acquired a plethora of stories that perhaps you can learn not to do when you call in and talk to someone in customer service.

To open, I'd like to tell two of the Queen's favorite stories. She knows these by heart and anytime I talk about customer service to anyone, she requests these.

Our first tale comes from the realm of cell phone activations. These are the types of phones where you go into a store of some kind, buy the phone in a box, and then take it home to activate it. Stores love 'em because you can stick any idiot behind a counter to hand these phones off to whomever wants them. All they need to be able to do is reach the phones and point to the brochures. Real easy.

So, I worked in the department that activated these phones, and I came to a realization while talking to people in that some people are so mechanically un-inclined that you can make them do something that is incredibly funny if you lead them on just right. I made a game of this after awhile because I found it so humorous, and I got at least three people to fall into this trap.

Phones have a number called an Electronic Serial Number that is unique to each unit. They're actually going to a different type of number now, but back then, it was all about the ESN. This magic number was located on a white sticker under the battery on every phone we had back then, and customers had a knack for taking the phone out of the box, and immediately misplacing said box which also has the ESN on it. So here follows that conversation:

Me: Can you give me the electronic serial number (gotta avoid the jargon) off the phone please?
Victim: Where do I find that?
Me: It's on a sticker underneath the battery on the back of the phone.
Victim: Oh, ok.
(Click!)

Always made me laugh. Ideally, I should have mentioned that they shouldn't actually be talking on the phone when we're trying to activate, but that would spoil all the fun. That's one of the first questions they ask now, but it wasn't required back then.

The next story involved a prepaid phone. These are the phone where you have to put money on the phone's account before they will work, and really there are a myriad of varieties of this phone. Some have a set number of minutes every month built in like regular credit accounts do, while other allow you to pay by the minute without expiration of those minutes.

Our next victim paid by the minute, and on this occasion, his account was quite empty, so he was unable to make a phone call, and when they call with this problem, they always have to make a "very important call." I know I seem a little desensitized to this, but in all my time with these people, I've only allowed one three way call for a prepaid customer because her description made it sound like an actual emergency (and when she relayed the short version to her husband, it actually was very serious; she should have called 911).

So when I wouldn't give him a "payment arrangement" (something that is actually not possible on a prepaid account, since they run off of a balance or minutes, not off of any kind of suspension of service), he got very, very upset with me. He screamed and yelled and carried on for a good while hoping to browbeat me into "changing my mind." To be honest, all I was able to do was repeat myself, since what he was requesting wasn't a possibility with his account type. The system wouldn't allow it.

Anyway, he got to the point where he asked me, "You ever heard a phone fly out of a window?" What could I say to that? "No," I said. He replied, "Well, you have now."

At this point I heard a loud whoosh of rushing air and then a crunch before the line went dead. And so he went from regular angry customer to a legend in one fell whoosh.