Marriage Musings

You know, many things happen that are totally worth blogging, but so many times, they happen in places where it would not be possible or convenient to take a note to remember them later. In fact, there have been a lot of things that have happened that would be interesting to note here, but I've all but forgotten them. That's very annoying actually.

So in lieu of having a memory that works, I'll go off of something recent. The Queen and I have been very happily married for nine years now, continuing to buck the system of marriages tending to be constantly failing. I've read about reasons people get divorced to try and see what we're doing that they aren't, and I do have one solid determination on some of them (I say "some" because there are some large, legitimate problems that come up, but based on some of the reasons out there, this is a big applicability).

One observation is that people have no idea how to compromise. They get caught up on the "me" aspect of their lives, and forget that marriage is a union of two people into one life. Two people have two opinions on a lot of things, and it's very important to compromise on a lot of points. If two people are stubborn on an issue, fights about other things break out and the harmony goes down the tubes. So you can't agree on what color to paint the bathroom... is it so important that you have your way on the lilac shade that you'd sacrifice your marriage over it? Rarely is that stated to be the reason, but any disagreement stems from just that: an inability to agree. That's what the word means: "not agree." Worse yet, someone "gives in" without agreeing at all, and suddenly a rift forms where they feel all put out because they never liked lilac.

Also consider this: how many arguments happen first thing in the morning? Probably quite a few since most people don't fully wake up and get in the right frame of mind until later in the day, so talking about deep issues 5 minutes after waking up is rarely a good idea. The Queen and I have a rule about this. We follow it religiously because it is essential to us having a happy marriage. The rule is this:

Never take seriously anything said before 10:00am or up to an hour after waking up.

This means that no matter how grumpy someone is first thing in the morning, nothing they say can or will be held against them. People sometimes say ridiculous things when they wake up or complain about things they're normally okay with, and sometimes, things said can come across as unintentionally hurtful when no ill intent is meant. This leads to a lot of apologizing once the day wears on far enough for the right mind to set in, so rather than be upset or spend all day trying fix all the ills of the morning, we have that standing rule that we take nothing serious that early.

An odd thing to me about people who live together and won't get married; they almost always give the same reason for not getting married: "we're happy as we are and are afraid to change it." I always wonder what they think is going to change. After all, they're living together, so they're already sharing everything that way. Is it the combining of their lives outside of the house? You know, no one makes you combine all your stuff when you get married. If you want to, and both people agree to it, you can be married (i.e. not living in sin) and still maintain your own bank account, etc.

But when you throw that out there, the same people would wonder, "Well, then why get married if nothing will change?" There's one thing that will change. How everyone views your relationship. When a couple is just living together, they are viewed as something temporary that could change at any moment. Even if there are kids involved, they are not viewed as a permanent couple. But after getting married, there is a change to the viewpoint in people's eyes. There is a sense of permanence; that the commitment is finalized and there's actually a family established.

I suspect that the commitment part of that equation is a big part of why people don't get married. If they keep just "living together," then they don't have to take that step they fear so much. The bad news is that fear of commitment and even the statistic of 50% of marriages failing won't change whether that couple will remain together. And the irony is that the block they have in their heads would be a self-fulfilling prophecy if they did get married, so they could end up saying "I told you so" when they get married.

I've heard of couple engaged for 10 years to be married for one and then split forever. The inclination is to say "well, they said it was a bad idea," but the reality they don't want to admit is that it wasn't a bad idea, they just weren't interested in working at it. Some may jeer at me for saying that, but it's true. You can succeed at anything you want to succeed at if you just work at it. Marriage is not an easy road, but any couple can succeed if both parties are interested in making it work, and the rewards of it working are far greater than the single life could ever provide.

And now to sit back and think of another topic to talk about...