Cat Woman

You know, sometimes when you hear a story, it's way too good to pass up. Usually it's because it sounds so unbelievable that it simply can't be real, but you are assured that it is. I'll have to keep the source on this one anonymous since I want to make sure no one is unduly humiliated (not that I give away a great deal of names anyway, right?).

I grew up with cats -- lots of cats. But despite having an upwards of sixteen cats at one time, it never possessed me to personify them a great deal. Sure, I talked to them, but it was obviously a one sided conversation unless they reacted in some clear way. This is normal, and one way, I don't mind being normal. After all, animals are living creatures, and talking to them enough might actually induce some kind of understanding between you and them. But that's where you end it. You don't go to "the next level."

What is this "next level," you ask? Well, hold on to your seat.

There is a woman out there who had two daughters and a husband and lived out of town on some farmland. As time wore on, her daughters grew up, got married, and moved out of the house, leaving the woman and her husband alone to live out their days in the silence of the country. The husband worked, as most do, so he is gone during the days, leaving her by herself completely.

Her daughters urged her to get a job so she can get out of the house and earn a little money. Well, she refused stating that she was afraid to drive since (because they live in the country) she was afraid she'd hit a deer. So she had another idea: she'll raise cats and sell them. This went on for a couple years, and apparently, she made some decent money doing it...but she got attached to the cats, so she had to stop.

Well, she decided to move from raising cats...to raising chickens. This went on for a year or two, but again, she had to stop, because...yeah, she got attached to the chickens. So now she is in a house with the occasional husband, the leftover cats, and the leftover chickens. What's a woman to do?

Obviously, conversing with the cats isn't totally out of the question, but what do you do when Puss doesn't respond? Well, clearly, you assign a voice to Puss and answer for him. This way, you are talking, and Puss is responding in a different voice, so now, you can converse with someone. But oh wait, Boots is out of the loop. Boots gets his voice, too, and now you can have a three way conversation over the dish-washing. That works.

But what happens when Boots gets attitude and starts calling you fat? And Puss has been sleeping around with more than one of the other cats in the house, so clearly she's a slut. And now, the chickens want to get in on the conversation, so they (naturally) get their own voices and let's not leave out the other cats as well.

After a short while, now the cats and chickens all have their very own voices, first and last names, and complete family histories. Conversations are flying all over the place with everyone trying to talk over each other (though curiously, no one manages to talk over anyone).

So one day, Nixon decides he's gonna get a little lip with the master and he and the woman launch into this hellacious argument. Names are tossed back and forth. Nixon calls her fat and ugly. She knows he's a whore with his manhood and has been overeating lately. It's too much, and word comes back to the others that Nixon has left, going into the field behind the house. He doesn't return.

Several days later, a cat's body was discovered in that field...decapitated. Poor thing must have committed suicide.

One thing you would never do to the cat woman is suggest that the cats are not talking to her. This would, of course, be foolishness, since since she (and you) is clearly hearing their voices, they simply must be talking. If she sits in her chair and starts in with a thousand mile stare, let her go. The conversations will start, and the cats and chickens will start talking. Just let it go.

I hear that if you were to have the honor of staying over at her house, and you wake up and you're alone with her...pretend to be asleep. Apparently, the occasion has arisen that you've had a conversation with the cat woman and it didn't go so well.

It would suck, after all, to wake up in the field and discover you'd lost your head.