Gas, Gas, Gas!!!

It's time for a terrifying tale. This one was told by my good friend, Optimus Prime, who apparently has a bit of a reputation. He says that fat guys have a set of rules kind of like the Gremlins (or Mogwai) do. You know, you can't feed them after midnight, keep away from water, that sort of thing.

Well, the rules with fat guys are apparently do not feed them beans or alcohol. Follow these rules and they're pretty lovable and playful. Fail to follow them, and it's pretty scary. Here's why.

On his 21st birthday, he was one of four people there and he had about 8 or 9 shots. This means he was rather plastered, and ended up in the bathroom for a bit. Well, the naked fat guy in the bathroom vomiting and farting made the room all but unusable for everyone else. So lesson learned there.

He already knew beans were right out, so he ensures that he doesn't eat any dish that contains beans. In fact, I asked him once if he'd been to Ron's and he had, but asked me if they put beans in their chili. I said they don't, so he mentioned that chili cheese fries were awesome.

This aversion to beans likely came from the fact that they were a catalyst for the destruction of a Ranger he used to have. He went to some Mexican place in Warrensburg, MO and enjoyed a dish that contained beans. When he and his friend started the 2 hour and 45 minute drive back to Joplin, the gas began.

They rolled the windows down. It didn't help. The smell was overpowering. The driver gunned the engine to full power, and they made that drive from Warrensburg to Joplin in an hour and a half. They survived, but the Ranger's engine didn't.

So he learned the lesson that beans equals bad things happen. This doesn't stop him from giggling when the lesser offenses waft out, but he stayed away from the bean dishes and alcohol. The time came when he was to take a business trip from Missouri to California with three other people from his office at the time. While in the airport, they had a meal and asked the waiter prior to ordering if a particular dish had beans in it. The waiter assured him that it did not.

Following the meal, he got to looking at his nearly empty plate and commented that it looked like the dish did, in fact, contain beans. The waiter shrugged and said, "I guess it did." Well... time to get on the plane for a three and a half hour flight.

It was ten minutes into the flight when the giggling began. Moments later, his co-workers "recognized the rancid smell," and declared him to be the source of the offending scent. But the gas didn't stop. It kept coming...until about 20 minutes before they landed, it kept coming. Air on a plane recirculates, and since it was a Southwest flight, it didn't get filtered. People 8 and 9 rows back were getting physically ill. It was horrible.

They had a layover in Arizona, and his fellow travellers forbid him to eat anything. The second half of the trip was a lot less scentful.

But that's not where the story ends. You see, a legend must come out of this. While they were in California, he was walking down the sidewalk with everyone and his boss was laggin behind a bit. He was far enough back to overhear one of the passers-by begin, "Remember that guy I told you about on the plane...?"

Unfortunately, the tale of terror does not end there. The other day, he was driving around with his wife in their new, cool Mustang, and a rancid smell pervaded the air. She looked at him, but he wasn't giggling. They looked back at their son, who was sporting a smile of his own.

The gas has been passed.