I'm a writer and an entertainer for the most part as I've indicated before. I like to play my piano and write my stories, and the greatest thrill I get is knowing that people like what I put out there. Therefore, there are few things more frustrating for me than being completely ignored when I put something out there. I've got a few books and videos here and there, and of course, I've got a facebook page where I hock it all, and sure, maybe people are tired of me. Still, when I put out a video, it's never entertaining enough to be shared very far. Best I had for awhile was an effects video that was 8 seconds long that got a little over a hundred views in 24 hours and then stopped cold. And few to no people are interested in my music. I have made videos of quite a few songs that I've written and performed, and no matter how often I post and report, no one cares.
You see, I have spent a good portion of my life devoted to bettering myself at these goals I have, and the idea that everything I've done is completely pointless, and that I should resign myself to the programmer job since that's the only thing I'm good enough at is depressing. It invalidates my existence.
It's tough living an invalidated existence. Yes, I have a family. Yes, they make me happy. That's not what I'm talking about. We all have different sides to us, and in my case, I have the personal side, and the work side. The personal side is awesome per the aforementioned family and honestly, we're doing very well.
The work side sucks. I have a job that I dislike, though it's the best I've ever had. I play bass and keys at church, but I still long for true piano. The Queen does not understand my internal difference between keys and piano, but they're played differently. She thinks I'll never be satisfied, but I have a satisfaction point. I've just never reached it. I have written books, and though I have a loyal readership, it won't expand. I write songs that no one wants to listen to. I've sent letters for screenplays and my books to no avail. I have a movie too, but it gets no action whatsoever.
You see, I have a point that I will be satisfied with what is going on, but it's like I am constantly one step from that point in nearly every aspect of my life. I am allowed to taste just a little of where I want to be, but never allowed to cross over. I'm like a rocket that can see the edge of the atmosphere, but can't reach escape velocity.
If I could reach escape velocity in one piece of my work life, I would be at least a little happier. Heck, I'd be a lot happier if I could make a living out of about any of my talents. I have a truckload of them. I can play almost a dozen instruments and sing, but no music career. I can write books, screenplays, technical documents, and music (and lyrics), but no writing career in any of those fields. I know how to make a movie start to finish. I shot, edited, and even composed and performed all the music. No film career. I learned programming on an old computer I hooked to a TV and hacked old BASIC programs to play games. And that's all I have.
It's just a bummer.
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