Dew Done Did

So at work, they committed a terrible sin against mankind. Women are crying in the streets surrounding the office. The news crews are backed up and blocking off traffic. Men are escorted from the building in shrouds. Disclaimers are flying like candy through the email. It's horrible.

Ok, so no one actually cares except me and maybe a few others who haven't said anything to me about it, but must be thinking it. For some time, my work place has offered free pop/soda. Why yes, I do feel lucky. Or I would, if I weren't feeling all entitled up in here. You see, they recently moved out the old can dispenser and put in a fountain, so instead of popping cans, we can now fill our gallon jugs and suck those straws until we keel over in a diabetic coma. Or we would, if they had not made this grievous error.

The fountain has no Mountain Dew. None. Oh, they have DIET Mountain Dew, but that tripe is only fit for errant worship leaders to try and suck down. Those of us who prefer a tasty citrus beverage with way more caffeine than it has any business possessing are now left out in the cold. There was no poll taken. No one asked about what people might want. At least they didn't ask me, and being the only person who does what I do, my opinion should have been the first they asked of. That's right, I am that important in my own mind.

This loss of Mountain Dew has left a void in my heart longing to be filled with urine colored liquid candy, but all that's left (that isn't diet) is poop-colored Coke and Dr. Pepper.

You might say, "Well, Mr Geek, you should be grateful for what you have, and those fountain taps can't hold every drink there." I agree with you, but tell you to hold that thought, for there is a far greater travesty being put upon us in this nightmare. One of the fountain drink options is water.

Now before you tell me that water is an essential beverage choice, I'll tell you that I drink over a gallon of water every day, but I don't take it from that fountain tap. No way. I tried, and it tastes like acid. It really does. Some kind of nasty, unclean taste, and yet, I see people get it all the time. No, I get my water from the Culligan machine...on the other side of the room. The same room as the fountain machine. That's right. They put a water option on a fountain drink machine in the same room as a purified water dispenser that dispenses cold water that is cleaner than what comes out of the fountain.

Conclusion: this water tap is unnecessary. It should be switched for Mountain Dew.

I cannot convince anyone of this.